I am what I am

JUNE 14, 2009

Illustration: Bhaskaran

WICKED WORD
By V.S. Jayaschandran

Hemingway took a ten-dollar bet and wrote a short story in six words: "For sale: Baby shoes, not used." Samuel Beckett wrote a half-minute play, Breath, which was wordless. All it had was two identical cries, one of birth and the other of death. Victor Hugo was on vacation when Les Miserables was published. He sent the publisher a telegram which had just one character, '?'. The publisher cabled back an ecstatic exclamation mark. King Philip of Macedon wrote a threatening letter to Spartans: "If I enter Laconia, I will raze the city of Sparta." The Spartans sent a one-word retort: "If."

Laconic means using very few words. The word comes from Laconia. President Pratibha Patil used half the laconic 'If' to swear in the new ministers. All she had to say was "I". She uttered it 158 times without a stutter. "After us, the deluge," said Madame De Pompadour, a mistress of Louis XV. Likewise, fools thought, after Kalam, calamity. Patil proved them wrong no doubt.

Patil was an infant-the word infant means one without speech-when Haile Selassie addressed the League of Nations in June 1936. It was about mustard bombing by Italy. "I, Haile Selassie I, Emperor of Ethiopia, am here today…," he began. The I after the name Selassie is neither a numeral nor an initial. It is Patil's well-practised word, I.
I is central to spiritualists. A spiritualist, Baba Lekhraj, spoke with the Rashtrapati after his death. The Rastafari believe Selassie is alive; he is God's incarnation. The Christian cult, popular in Jamaica, is named after him: he was Ras Tafari (Prince Tafari) before he became emperor. The Rastafari say "I and I" to link the individual I with the cosmic I. Iyaric, their English lingo, is replete with I. Creator is irator in Iyaric; creation is iration. God is Jah, as seen in hallelujah. They swear by ganja, reggae and dreadlocks.

Elvis Presley had pompadour hair. M.S. Dhoni wore long locks like Kalam when he first caught the public eye. "My hair and beard have turned grey" in the last two years, says the cricketer. Hair has the same root as hoary and horror. Hoary means grey with age, hence venerable. Hair stands on end (Latin horrere) when you feel horror. Dhoni can cause horripilation, or goose bumps, when he hits the ball over the top. To go 'over the top' means to take risks. It also means to have an orgasm.

Sir Toby tells Sir Andrew in Twelfth Night that his hair hangs like flax on a distaff; "and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off." Dishevelled is hair (French chevel) in disarray. Ophelia tells her father how Hamlet, looking dishevelled, held her hard while she was sewing in her closet, and how she broke free and denied him access. Shakespeare scholars claim the word access here means intercourse. 'Accessory' in 19th century meant smaller articles of a woman's dress.

Merkin, an old accessory, was the female beard. Prostitutes wore this pubic wig over shaven genitals to hide scars or for aesthetic effect. Fashionable young men in Elizabethan England wore a codpiece over their trousers. This pouch held the genitals and exaggerated the bulge. Like Elvis the Pelvis, young men everywhere like to swagger as Bulgarians.

Many ministers gagged on the word 'conscientiously' while swearing "I will faithfully and conscientiously discharge my duties…" Conscientiously is a mouthful, with a foul link. Like science, it shares its root-skei-with the word shit. Doing one's duty is a euphemism for defecation. Pistol, a character in Henry IV, is quick to discharge. Sir John Falstaff asks him: "Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess." Pistol replies: "I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets." His bullets are his testicles. Discharge your duty, by all means, but keep the oath of secrecy.
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(The Week)
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