ANANTHA NARAYAN
The Hindu
From a B-grade action movie star, Chuck Norris became the omnipresent,
omniscient, and omnipotent superhero who could do no wrong.
Illustration: Satwik Gade
Long before the legend of Sir Ravindra Jadeja, there was the chuckle-worthy folklore surrounding Chuck Norris.
It all began in the summer of 2005, when Ian Spector
invited people to make up their own fun facts about Chuck Norris for a
humour section in his website. Overnight the satirical factoids became
e-mail forwards and thus was born the god of all gods.
From
a B-grade action movie star, Chuck Norris became the omnipresent,
omniscient, and omnipotent superhero who could do no wrong. Every aspect
of his deadpan persona became grist for some rip roaring hyperboles.
Here’s a selection of the sparklers that was later recycled as
‘original’ Rajnikant and Sir Jadeja jokes.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone
Violence
is an integral part of the Texas Ranger’s charm. Naturally, fans
tripped over one another to compose hosannas around his fear factor.
That’s how ‘Chuck Norris can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed’,
‘He doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths’, ‘He can make a happy
meal cry’ kind of bombast came into being. The impossibility of taking a
panga with Chuck was best captured by this punch line: ‘Once a
cobra bit his leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra
died.’
Chuck Norris can speak Braille
To
create a megastar aura, the protagonist must breach the wall of
credulity. Chuck Norris, by definition being larger than
larger-than-life, was credited with absurdly jaw-dropping feats to
bolster the image of The Amazing One. Which is why we get to hear of
accomplishments like: ‘Chuck Norris can delete the recycle bin’, ‘He can
make the onions cry’, ‘He can play the violin with a piano’, ‘He can
kill two stones with one bird’ and ‘He can squeeze orange juice out of a
lemon’!
Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47
Fearlessness
is another key element in myth making. Jokesters of the Chuck cult did
their bit to perpetuate this misimpression. The story goes that when
young Chuck Norris was in middle school his English teacher asked him to
pen an essay on ‘What is Courage?’ The little boy thought for a
nanosecond, scribbled only his name on the blank answer sheet and
submitted that as his piece. The gobsmacked teacher gave him an A+.
Chuck Norris runs on his treadmill until the treadmill gets tired
Incredible
physical deeds offer one more valve for generating laughs. Stuff such
as ‘Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest’, ‘He once climbed
Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which was spent on building a snowman
at the bottom’, and ‘Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and
boils the water with his own rage’ provide clues as to why ‘Superman
wears the Chuck Norris suit’.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a Cyclops between the eye
Chuck
is an icon among nerds as he offers the perfect algorithm for
expressing cerebral wit. So, be it the chemistry laden ‘Chuck Norris
doesn’t recognise the periodic table, because the only element he
recognises is the element of surprise” or the biological ‘Oxygen
requires Chuck Norris to live’, or even the very mathematical ‘Chuck
Norris counted to infinity, twice’, the geek always has the last laugh.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the s**t out of it
Word
play is on steroids when the subject is Mr. Norris. ‘The only reason
Thor is the god of lightning is because Chuck Norris stole his thunder’
and ‘His daughter lost her virginity, he got it back’ are some samplers
that go to prove the adage that ‘Chuck can inject some fun even into a
funeral’.
(The Hindu, Week's Ends, 21:04:2013)
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