2185 😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀

MESSAGE FROM A FRIEND IN CHINA :~

The VOLATILE STOCK MARKET AFFECT human beings & their best friends.

Last month, MARKET was GOOD, my DOG ATE WHAT I ATE.
Last week, MARKET was BAD, I ATE WHAT MY DOG ATE.
Yesterday, MARKET CRASHED, I ATE MY DOG.

2183 😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀

In an ALCOHOL FACTORY the REGULAR TESTER DIED and the director started LOOKING FOR a NEW ONE TO HIRE.

A DRUNKARD WITH a RAGGED, DIRTY LOOK CAME TO APPLY for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how TO SEND HIM AWAY. They TESTED HIM.

They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct." The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a GLASS OF URINE.

The ALCOHOLIC TRIED IT.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"

The boss collapsed...😜

2182 😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀

Teacher - Jayanta, please tell me, what is India Gate?

Jayanta - Sir, India Gate is fine quality basmati rice.....

Teacher - What is Charminar?

Jayanta - Charminar is a very popular cigarette in India and due to its low cost, it is easily affordable.......

Teacher - What is Taj Mahal?

Jayanta - Taj Mahal is packet of tea leaves....

Teacher - Rascal, how dare you give such bullshit answers...
You are spoiling the name of national treasures.......
if you want me to allow you in the classroom tomorrow, don't forget to come with your father's signature!!!!!
           
Jayanta - OK sir.
.
.
.
.
.
Next day.....

Teacher (looking at the table) - Jaaaayaaanta!!!!!
You idiot!!!! How dare you bring whisky bottle inside the classroom?????

Jayanta - Sorry Sir,
But you only told me to bring my father's signature today.... I simply obeyed your order...... Now again you are shouting..... this is not fair, Sir!!!!😇🤣🤣

2180 😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀

Here's an INTERESTING TAKE ON ASTROLOGY:

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "DO YOU THINK I'LL LIVE a LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE?"

"I DOUBT IT", said the doctor,  " 'MERCURY IS IN URANUS' RIGHT NOW."

The patient said, " I DON'T GO in for any of that ASTROLOGY NONSENSE."

 "NEITHER DO I", REPLIED the DOCTOR,  "MY THERMOMETER JUST BROKE IN YOUR ASS."
🤣🤣🤣

2178 😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀

THREE WOMEN go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They GET DRUNK and WAKE UP IN JAIL, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though NONE of them can REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID THE NIGHT BEFORE.

The FIRST ONE, a REDHEAD, is strapped in the ELECTRIC CHAIR and is asked if she has any LAST WORDS. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and BELIEVE IN the ALMIGHTY POWER OF GOD to intervene on the behalf of the INNOCENT.”

They throw the SWITCH and NOTHING HAPPENS. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The SECOND ONE, a BRUNETTE, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard SCHOOL OF LAW and I BELIEVE in the POWER of JUSTICE to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the SWITCH and again, NOTHING HAPPENS. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The LAST ONE, a *BLONDE*, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a DEGREE IN ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING , and I’ll tell ya right now, YA’LL AIN’T GONNA ELECTROCUTE nobody IF you DON’T PLUG THIS THING IN.”

2175 ~PARAPROSDOKIAN

717/2017
PARAPROSDOKIAN
(Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which little known by the general public, but is well understood by satirsts.  The key feature is that the final words make the listener reinterpret the first part of the sentence.)

•I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

•Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others — whenever they go.

•I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

•I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.

•You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

•To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.

•Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

•A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.

•Change is inevitable, except from a bus conductor.

•I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.

•Of all the people I’ve ever met, you could be one of them.

•A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

•You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

•The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

•I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

2174 ~THE ART OF DEALING! 😀

715//2017
😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀
*The Art of dealing ....*

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them.

But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply-
"Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model !"

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then that young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
😛😛😛😛😛

2167~ JUST IN JEST 😀

Wife : I have heard that a man gets deaf if he has Viagra often.

Husband : Who the hell is Jeff and what is he doing at Niagara? 😳
______________________
A person died after hearing the price of Tur daal.
Dr. issued death certificate that read... Cause of death "HIGH PULSE RATE"...!!!😊
_______________________________
Grandfather :
when I was of your age, I used to take two rupees to the market  and bring home soap, rice , milk, bread, ghee and face powder , etc.

Grandson :
nowadays it is difficult....
There are CCTV cameras  everywhere.
 😂😂😂😂😂

2166 ~Government engineers 😀

😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀
Two Government engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one, 'But we don't have a ladder.'

The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'

She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

She then took  measuring tape from their toolbox, took the  measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed and said.

'We need the height and she gave us the length!'

Both the engineers  are still working for the Government.
😊😁😂😃😄😅

2160~JUST IN JEST

😀 !!!JUST IN JEST!!! 😀
Towards the end of the Jashan for Parsi New Year, the Priest asked:~
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"‎
‎
80% held up their hands.
‎
The Priest then repeated his question.
‎
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
‎
"Mrs. Batliwala ? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
‎
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
‎
"Mrs. Batliwala that is very unusual. How old are you?"
‎
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
‎
"Oh, would you please come over in front and tell us all how a person of ninety-eight years of age not have an enemy in the world?"
‎
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation & said:~
‎" None of them is alive. I have outlived all the bastards & bitches." ‎😀😀😀

2158~ Just in jest -Free Sex

A petrol station owner in Ludhiana was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every Top-Up.'

Soon Banta  pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Banta guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Banta, along with his friend, Santa, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Banta  guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Santa said to  Banta , 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Banta replied,
'No it is genuine. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week !!!'😁

2152~ An ode to old age!

I am at a loss to comprehend,

why I linger, all faculties lost,

For survival is only of the fittest!

---------------------------

2151~ Just in jest

😀 !!!Just in JEST!!! 😀
😀A punter was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Catholic Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?”
"No, I'm Jewish".
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a BLESSING and LAST RIGHTS ".

(Via Sushanta Sen)

2150~ Ladies special

This one's a Ladies special...
Written by a lady... 😁😁😂
_____________________________
"After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is the car will be stolen.

Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."..."
😂😓😂😓😂😓😂😓

2149~ misunderstanding in a Chinese Call center

___________________________    
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can
speak to me. Who is this ?

Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent !

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone.
But what's the urgent matter about ?

Caller: Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident.
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital. Right
now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter ! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this !

Caller: You are so rude ! Who are you ?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes ! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

Operator: Oh...God..!
_____________________

2148 😀!!! JUST IN JEST !!! 😀 _ Banta in the KBC

Amitabh : Aapka last question 5 crore ka.. yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant  Banta is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachan?

Computer Screen:
A. Amitabh Bachan
B. Dharmendra
C. Amjad Khan
D. Sanjeev Kumar

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ?
(He is quite sure that Banta will opt for A)
But Banta is still confused.

Banta : I think it is A ..

"Are you sure?", says Amitabh in style..

Banta gets more confused and nervous.

Banta : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok, computer ji , do galat javab ko mita deejiye...

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Dharmendra
C. Amjad Khan

Amitabh is confused.. and tensed.. thinks how come the computer has made this mistake. But as is said in bollywood, the show must go on.
Now Banta is even more confused..

Banta: I would like to use the last life line.. phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?..

Banta: Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga..

Amitabh Bachchan is shocked !!!
But the call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan...

Banta: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?"

.
.
.
.
.

Jaya Bachchan asks, "What are the options?"

Amitabh faints...
😊😀😁😂

2140~ 😁Its all about the Benz ...

!!! 😁  JUST IN JEST  😁 !!!
_________________________
Gujju Patel was living next to a British in London.
Once they had n argument ...
"Who leads a better life?"

British: We have a big house & I have Benz!

Gujju: I have 8 Benz!

British (confused): Really..? But I never saw u riding any ...

Gujju: I have 3 in Amdavad - Maniben, Ramilaben and Kokilaben,
2 in Rajkot - Jasuben & Nainaben,
2 live in London itself - Dayaben & Karunaben.
Total 7 Bens.
And this is my wife - Seemaben!
 😝😅😭

2134~ 😁SECOND WIFE

2132.~ 😁HOLY BROTHELS!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
 when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
 It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habitwho asks: 'What may we do for you, my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...'

'Very well, my son...Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man: 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs: 'Please place $100 in the cup – then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

*GO IN PEACE.*

*YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.*

*SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!*

2130~ 😁Super Insults:

38/2017
!!! 😂 JUST IN JEST 😂 !!!
_________________________
Super Insults:
-----------------------
😜😜😜
A letter from a teacher to a parent:
Dear Parent,
Kumar doesn't smell nice in class. Please try to bathe him.
Parent's answer:
Dear Teacher, Kumar is not a rose, Dont smell him,Teach him......
😂😂😂
😝😝😝😝😝😝
Mother to Son:
Who is Tippu Sultan ?
Son : Don't know 😏
Mother : Sometime give attention to study also 👀
Son to Mother : Do you know Chinky Aunty ?
Mother : Don't know
Son: Sometimes give attention to Dad also
😝😜😜😜😜😜😜😜
A cute excuse:
Teacher-Y r u late?
Student-Mom & dad were fighting.
Teacher-so what makes U late if dey were fighting?
Student-one shoe was in mom's hand and one in dad's..
😂😂😝😜
🎉💐🍻..🎷🌾🌾💃😃😜😜😜😂😂😂😂😂👌👌
Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why ?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday
I gave him food today he gave me a book
How to Cook !!!  😄😃😜😝
👌😂😜😃😄
Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: Had Alchocol ?
Husband : No No Darling
Wife: Idiot .. Thn Y u opened my suitcase and acting like typing ..!
😜😂😝🍻👍 😂😂😂