HUMOROUS QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- LILLIAN CARTER (MOTHER OF JIMMY CARTER)
_____________

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
____________
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- MARK TWAIN
____________

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- GEORGE BURNS
____________


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- VICTOR BORGE
_____________

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- MARK TWAIN
_____________


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- SOCRATES

_____________

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- GROUCHO MARX
_____________

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante
_____________

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- ZSA ZSA GABOR
___________

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- ALEX LEVINE
__________

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- RODNEY DANGERFIELD
____________

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- JOE NAMATH
___________

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it

- W. C. FIELDS
____________

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- WINSTON CHURCHILL
_________

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- PHYLLIS DILLER
_____________

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- BILLY CRYSTAL
___________

And the cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good spit it.
________________
(An email forward)
____________________________