2175 ~PARAPROSDOKIAN

717/2017
PARAPROSDOKIAN
(Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which little known by the general public, but is well understood by satirsts.  The key feature is that the final words make the listener reinterpret the first part of the sentence.)

•I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

•Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others — whenever they go.

•I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

•I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.

•You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

•To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.

•Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

•A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.

•Change is inevitable, except from a bus conductor.

•I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.

•Of all the people I’ve ever met, you could be one of them.

•A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

•You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

•The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

•I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

2154~ ENGLISH ENGLISH

701/2017
*ENGLISH! ENGLISH!!*

When we write about emotions, many times we feel that another word would have given a better expression. English teacher Kaitlin Robbs has created a vocabulary wheel which is very useful in finding the right word when writing 'emotional matter'. The wheel is posted below...  Zoom it and see ... Quite interesting !!

2111- BEDGASM

2091- Mx

2051- "One of the most deadliest letters ever written. Straight from the stomach."

____________________________________
Date: 02 - 07 - 1909
Divisional Railway Officer,
Sahibgunj.
Respected Sirs,
I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow or train to go off and I am running with lotaah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female women on platform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers.
Your faithful Servant,
Okhil Chandra Sen.
_____________________
Okhil Babu wrote this letter to the Sahibgunj Divisional Railway Officer in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi. It was also reproduced under the caption "Travellers Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review.
Any guesses why this letter is of Historic Value?
It led to the introduction of TOILETS in trains in India...!!!
So no idea is stupid and always speak up...
(Howsoever bad or good you may be at any language). ✌😜⚡
_________________________

2044- Meals or...

 _______________________________
Doctor to female patient :- U r looking so weak & exhausted... R u taking 3 meals a day as I had advised u ?
female patient :- "uski maa ki“..
Where is Your compounder who typed 3 Males a day.!...😂😂😂
________________________________

2035- Personality and character

2034- Weird English

1941- Shifts or ...

1937- Haggle or bargain?

1920- Various name's of money!

____________________________
Money has different names !!!
In church its called (offering),
in school its (fee),
in marriage it's called (dowry),
in divorce (alimony),
when u owe someone its (debt ),
when u pay the government (tax),
in court (fines),
civil servant retirees (pension)
boss to workers (salary),
master to subordinates (wages),
when u borrow from bank (loan),
when u offer after a service (tip),
to kidnappers (ransom),
illegally received in d name of service (bribe).
The question is "when a Husband gives it to his Wife what do we call it??
Answer __________??
ANSWER:
Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not DUTY FREE!
_________________________________

1903- English Vinglish

🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄
Can any one say the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
___________________________

1901- just in jest! - Babulog Ki Nayi Desi Boli

Mar 07 2015 : The Times of India (Chennai)

Bureaucrats are given language primer to translate English jargon into Hindi

To most lay citizens bureaucratese ­ the esoteric language that babudom the world over uses as its exclusive privilege is pure Greek, if not double Dutch, no matter in which idiom it is couched. However, in a commendable effort to try and ensure that our top babus are heard to not only talk the talk ­ bolo the boli ­ but are also seen as being able to walk the talk ­ or chalo the boli ­ the Modi sarkar has provided them with a lingual ready reckoner by which they can translate the most commonly used words and phrases in bureaucratese into Hindi, which need not necessarily be of the shudh variety.
For instance, if an officer wants to make a file notation to the effect that `No progress has been made in the matter' ­ a state of affairs that is only too common in the labyrinthine corridors of babudom ­ the handy word-list supplied by the home ministry will make the Hindi equivalent available at the official's fingertips: `Iss maamle mein koi pragati nahin hui hai'.
Similarly, `Please discuss' ­ the stock phrase which adroitly sidesteps the awkward necessity of having to make decisions ­ has been translated into `Kripya charcha kijiye'. Despite its user-friendly format, the mini English-Hindi lexicon might face obstacles in achieving `Antim sahmati', or `Final concurrence', let alone reaching the stage of `Aadesh jaari kar diya jaaye', or `Order may be issued'.
The reason is that the southern states are likely to view this as an example of linguistic chauvinism and another attempt by the Centre to impose Hindi on non-Hindi speakers. As such, the whole matter might conveniently get tangled up in `lal patti', or `red tape', that indispensable part and parcel of all bureaucracy, not just ours.
Standard jargon apart, official dom has been known to devise its own secret argot as shown by the story of the babu who kept three trays on his desk, one marked `In', another marked `Out', and the third marked `LBW', which stood not for `Leg before wicket' but for `Let the blighter wait'.
On occasion, however, babus fail to decode the cryptic annotations used by their peers. Urged by colleagues to refrain from using the plural form of the word `ball', which is a vulgarism denoting disagreement, a veteran file-pusher is said to have substituted the expression with the euphemistic phrase `Round objects'.
Whereupon the papers in question were returned to his desk with the notational query: `Who is Round, and what does he object to?' Which suggests that, no matter how it's phrased, in the gobbledygook of babudom `antim sahmati' will always remain a non-work in progress.

1889- DRIVING LICENCE FORM from Bihar:

📋
DRAIVING LAICENSE
APPLIKASON PHARM:

Note: Please do nat soot the person at the applikason kounter. He bill gib you license..

For phurthar instruction,
see botom pharm.
(Please check karrect opson.)

1. Last Name:
Sinha
Pandey
Misra
Yadav
Dont knowing

2. Phirst Name:
Ramprasad
Lallan
Sivprasad
Jamnaprasad
Dont knowing

3. Age:
Less than phipty
Greater than phipty
Dont knowing

4. Sex:
M
F
Nat Sure
Nat Applicabul

5. Chappal Size:
Lepht:
 Right:

6. Occupasun:
Palitisan
Dhoodhwaala
Pehelwan
Hause Waife
Nat know
Unemplayed

7. Number af children
in Hause:
5
10
more than 10

8. Number of childrens that is yours:

9. Maadar Name:

10. Phather Name (If nat know, leave blank)

11. Ejjucason : 1 2 3 4 (Circle () on highest grade)
(Check karet box)

12.Your thumb imparsson : ____________________________ (** If you are copying from another applikason pharom, do nat capy thumb impersson also.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS...

1867- Cannibal?

1818- It's all about the lighting

1618- A 'moofer' (Via The Hindu)

1548- Which is the most Dangerous Letter in English ??

The Answer is "W"...as in Wrong
"W" is a tension generator...
because all the worries and troubles get begins with "W"...
Who ? Why?
What ? When ?
Which ? Whom??
Where ?
War...
Wine...Whisky... Women...
Wealth
And finally .......
You have to accept this :
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.......
WIFE.....
__________________________________

1505- Chef or cook?

The Hindu

1441- Completely finished!